I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
