We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
