Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
