Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
