i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
