You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
