My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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