On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
