Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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