Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
