we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Randomize
