Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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