if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
