I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
