i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
