It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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