I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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