I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
