This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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