and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
