Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
