I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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