He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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