drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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