yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's blow job season.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
