I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just high enough for therapy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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