youre lurking in front of me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
