Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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