i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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