Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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