my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You're like the curious george of whores
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
