my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
