Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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