I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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