His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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