last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
