During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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