just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
