I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
