You're my little dorito
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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