He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
