Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
