I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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