____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
