i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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