so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
