my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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