If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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