Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
