My brain says no but my pants say off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
