when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
