Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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