You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
