We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
