Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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