last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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