i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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