I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
