Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
