the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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